I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm having to shit out rocks
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