he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
