I will die if light touches me.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
