i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
