It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
