Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
