Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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