party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
