explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
