I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
