I didn't shave. On purpose
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
