I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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