the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
