you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize