i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
