her facebook's as public as her vagina
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
