the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
