She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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