A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
why is half of my head shaved?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
