Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
