My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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