I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
