I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize