just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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