I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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