Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
