you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Randomize
