Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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