My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
