your parents love me but you hate me
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
