He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
