Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
