Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Drunk is not a location!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
