I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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