i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
