If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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