note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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