youre lurking in front of me
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
