I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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