Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
