First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
