I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
