I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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