I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
