Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
