I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I cannot find my penis.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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