Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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