The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
