Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You are the jesus of drinking
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
