Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
