dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
