if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I came so hard my ears popped.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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