He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
