There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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