nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
