a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
