pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Randomize
