I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
